


An Adventure With Napoleon

by WallaceAndGromitGirl



Series: The Piratesverse [3]
Category: Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Napoleonic Wars, Battle Of Waterloo, Humor, Multi, Post-Canon, Untranslated French
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2012-11-30
Packaged: 2017-11-16 20:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WallaceAndGromitGirl/pseuds/WallaceAndGromitGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a certain height-challenged emperor attacks his ship, the Pirate Captain will have to pull off his craziest gambit yet to save Europe from this new threat. A gambit which involves passing off an island of cutthroats as the most romantic city in the world. Man, Europe's in trouble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unwelcome Visitor

To think that the day had begun so well.

Things had been cooling down, both figuratively and literally. Autumn had arrived, and crisp winds were blowing in from the north to combat the tropical heat. Nothing particularly interesting had happened in quite a while, but after the chaotic events of the past six months, the crew was more than content to keep things that way.

On this particular morning, the Pirate Captain had decided to drop anchor. It was far too nice out to spend the day sailing around, he reasoned, and the others would appreciate a day off. So here they all were; the Pirate With An Accordion was practicing a new shanty, the Albino Pirate was in the crow's nest looking at clouds, Mr. Bobo was teaching flashcard communication to Polly, Charles was writing about some plants he'd found on Blood Island, the Pirate With A Scarf was on guard duty and the rest of the crew was organizing a weevil race. The captain, on his part, was leaning against the wall of the cabin munching a biscuit and comparing himself and the lads to sedimentary rocks for no real reason. He had just come to the conclusion that he would be a slab of polished sandstone when it happened.

"Captain!" It was the Pirate With A Scarf, who was standing on the stern looking at something. "Captain, I think you ought to come look at this."

Finishing his biscuit, the Pirate Captain joined his first mate at his post. "What is it, Number Two?"

"I'm not sure yet," he said, pointing out at the ocean.

Several yards behind the boat and swiftly closing in on it was a small, rickety wooden dinghy. The sail was in tatters, the hull appeared to have been patched up many times and the whole thing looked quite ready to fall apart. Sitting in it and rowing fiercely was what seemed to be a little boy - no adult could _possibly_ be that short.

"Ahoy!" the Pirate Captain called out, waving to him. "Need a lift?"

Upon seeing him, the traveler set down his oars and began to jump about. _"Réjouissez-vous! Réjouissez-vous! Votre empereur est de retour!"_ he yelled, gesticulating wildly. _Definitely_ a man's voice.

By now, the rest of the crew had noticed that something was up. "Everythin' alright, sirs?" the Pirate With Gout asked as they approached.

"Oh, just some fellow spouting gibberish," the Pirate With A Scarf answered.

"French, actually," said Charles, leaning over the side to get a closer look.

The stranger, meanwhile, had upgraded to a hissy fit of sorts. _"Pourquoi ne pas s'en réjouir? Je vous ordonne de se réjouir, les paysans!"_ he cried, threatening to stomp a hole in the hull of his boat.

A look of realization flickered across the Pirate With A Scarf's face. "Wait a minute..."

With a huff of annoyance, the stranger held his nose and jumped from his boat into the ocean. _SPLASH!_

"Neptune's receding hairline, what's he doing?" the Pirate Captain exclaimed as everyone strained to look. A spot of blue somewhat darker than the ocean was swiftly moving to the starboard side of the ship.

"Captain, we ought to move," the Pirate With A Scarf said. "I mean, _really_ ought to."

"Quite right. Look alive, lads, we're going!"

While the sail were unfurled and the anchor was raised, the Pirate With A Scarf took the Pirate Captain aside. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sir?"

"That we're being attacked by a genius baby with a huge swollen brain?"

"A huge...? No! Captain, I think that man is - "

_"INVADER!_ Back, ya horrid! _Back!"_ The Pirate With Gout was pointing his crutch at a slimy thing which had crawled up the anchor rope.

Standing on deck, sopping wet and covered in seaweed, was the stranger. He was barely taller than Mr. Bobo and had short black hair and a doughy, scowling face. His once-white clothes were now stained and tattered, as was his blue military coat, and a gold-embroidered tricorn hat perched lopsided on his head. _"Comme l'Empereur de France, je vous ordonne d'abandonner votre vaisseau!"_ he yelled at the pirates, who were still trying to decide whether to scream or laugh at the sight.

"See here, what's all this about?" the Pirate Captain snapped as he stormed up to the stranger, who came up to slightly below his knee.

"You will take me to Paris immediately!"

_"What?_ You're not going anywhere! At least until you tell us who you are!"

"Or else we'll make you walk the plank!" added the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, raising his cutlass.

"How dare you threaten me in such a base fashion, peasant! I am Napoleon Bonaparte, ze Emperor of France!"

"And I'm Good Queen Bess," the captain retorted. "Now scurry off."

_"Silence!_ I have claimed this ship as my own. I am making ze orders now, peasants, and I order you to return me to Paris at once!"

"Pirates, not peasants. There's a difference."

"Wait a minute!" Charles said. "What are you even doing here?"

"Explain."

"They exiled you. You're supposed to be in prison for life."

Napoleon rolled his eyes. "Such silly business that was. It did not suit me. So I take my boat and sail off!"

"All the way down here."

"I am _very_ determined to reclaim my empire. Now, take me to Paris so that I may resume my conquest. Russia will not be so lucky this time!"

By now, even the Albino Pirate had realized what was going on and had crept fearfully behind the Pirate With Gout. "Captain..."

"What should I say?" the Pirate Captain whispered to the Pirate With A Scarf, who gave him a 'you have simply got to be joking' look.

"Well? What are we waiting for, peasants?"

"We're waiting for you to get off our boat and leave us alone. Sometime in the next ten seconds, if you please."

"...You _dare_ to disobey _my_ orders?"

"That's the gist of it."

Napoleon gave them all a long, hard glare. "Then," he finally said, "I shall take your ship by force!"

The Pirate Captain burst out laughing. "You? Against all of us? How's that going to - _AUGH!"_ He dropped to the ground as the tiny man kicked him in the shin, hard.

Pushing over the Pirate With Gout and seizing his crutch, Napoleon jumped atop the captain's back, brandished his new weapon and knocked his opponent unconscious with it. "Now then, who is next?"

_"Get him!"_

* * *

 

The Pirate Captain awoke in the dim light of the hold. "Lads...oh, I had the most terrible nightmare..."

"Didn't we all."

He sat up to see the Pirate With A Scarf beside him, nursing a black eye and a swollen nose. "What happened?"

"He dumped us all in here."

"How long have I been out?"

"Three minutes."

"Although it might've been closer to two and a half," said the Pirate With Gout, ignoring the first mate's dark look.

"Don't tell me it took him that long, lads!"

"Something like that..."

"Well, is there anyone he hasn't thrashed yet?"

The Pirate With A Scarf did a quick headcount. "Just Charles."

"See? Nothing to worry about! If there's anyone who can take him, it's - "

The door to the hold was flung open, and with a scream, Charles was unceremoniously tossed in.

"You alright, Charlie?" the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate asked.

"...He's got sharp teeth..."

The Pirate Captain stared up at the door. "Oh, he's good."

_"Captain!"_

"Sorry."


	2. Plans A and B

"All right," the Pirate Captain whispered, "I want everyone who thinks this idea is terrifically idiotic and should not be attempted to raise their hands."

There were some nervous grumbles, but no one rejected.

"Now, everyone who thinks it's terrifically idiotic and _should_ be attempted, raise your hands."

The crew reluctantly acquiesced, and Polly nodded her head. "Right. Seventh time's the charm!" Standing up and clearing his throat, he began to noisily pace around the hold. "Oh, _who_ am I kidding, lads? We're _never_ getting out of here!" he yelled, hoping he could be heard on deck. _**"Never!** _ The great Emperor is _far_ too clever to be outwitted!"

He paused beneath the hatch and listened for a moment. Sure enough, small footsteps could be heard approaching the hatch. Smiling, he signaled to the Pirate With A Scarf, who reluctantly joined him.

"But sir," the first mate said with equal volume and much less emotion, "you've forgotten the _secret passage."_

"Why, _whatever_ do you mean, Number Two?"

"You know, the one that goes _inside your cabin."_

The captain gasped melodramatically. "My goodness! You're absolutely right! Oh, I certainly hope Napoleon doesn't _overhear_ us and go _looking_ for the passage!"

For several agonizing moments, no sound came from up above. Then, at last, the footsteps rapidly moved off towards the stern.

The crew instantly sprang into action. "Everyone get something to wallop him with!" the Pirate Captain commanded. After rummaging through his beard for a few seconds, he fished out a large iron key. Reaching up through a hole in the hatch, he inserted it into the lock which Napoleon had taken advantage of and opened it with a soft click. _Step one, complete._

He was the first to emerge from the hold, quickly followed by the others. "No time to lose," he said, seeing that their unwelcome guest was nowhere in sight. "When the little blighter comes out, we're giving him a taste of his own medicine. Now who's got the rope?"

Polly approached him and tapped on his boot. When she'd gotten his attention, she nodded upwards nervously.

The captain's gaze slowly moved to where she was pointing. "Don't fret, girl. What could possibly be... _INCOMING!"_

Everyone scattered as Napoleon swung down from the mast, letting out a wild battle cry. He crashed into Mr. Bobo, skidded to a stop and held up a small knife to his hostage's throat. _"Oui!_ I _am_ far too clever to be outwitted! Now surrender, or I shall eat ze monkey!"

Mr. Bobo gave him an indignant look. **_MANPANZEE._ **

"How did you - "

"Silly peasants, thinking you could escape."

"W-We weren't trying to escape!" the Pirate Captain said quickly. "Didn't even cross our minds! Nothing could be further from the truth! I mean, isn't that _the_ most nonsensical thing you've ever heard, lads?"

They nodded, albeit very slowly. Wherever he was going with this, it had a microscopic chance of going anywhere good.

"Then tell me what you are doing," Napoleon commanded.

"Ah, yes. It's a very long and complicated answer, you see." He scanned the deck, looking for an excuse, _any_ excuse. "We were...wondering..." And then, like the perfect tune for a shanty or a bad case of lubbermatosis, the answer suddenly appeared. "Why isn't the ship moving?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean? We've been stuck in that hold close to an hour and haven't felt the boat move an inch! Not that eager to get to Paris after all, Nappy?"

The others exchanged worried looks, while Napoleon's face started to get red. "Hold your tongue, peasant!"

"Well? Are you?"

"Of course I am - "

"Then why do it yourself? Surely you must be wise enough to see that you've got a whole crew right here."

This wasn't as bad as what the crew had thought he would do - it was worse.

"I'm offering you a deal, Nappy," the Pirate Captain continued, brushing off the Pirate With A Scarf's attempts to stop him. "You give us back our ship, we take you back to Paris and everyone goes on their merry way. How's that sound?"

"Captain, we need to - "

 _"Magnifique!"_ Napoleon chirped. "I shall accept zis offer, peasant!" Flashing a more than somewhat disturbing smile, he let Mr. Bobo out of his grasp. The monkey immediately scrambled off.

"The name's Pirate Captain, actually."

"We sail at once, I assume?"

"I couldn't think of a better time - "

"We need to talk!" the Pirate With A Scarf finally said. He and Charles each grabbed one of the captain's arms, and together they dragged him into the cabin and locked the door behind them.

"Captain, must we go over this every time you get an idea?"

"Go over what?" the captain asked nonchalantly. "Oh, the facing certain death thing. Won't happen this time, I'm afraid!"

"And...why's that?"

"Because I'm playing him like an accordion! We're going to make _such_ a fool of him, and he hasn't the faintest idea!"

"Captain?"

"Not now, Chuck - "

"Captain, _he's watching us."_

Sure enough, Napoleon's beady eye could be seen staring at the trio through a hole in the door.

The Pirate Captain seemed unfazed. "Ah, bon-jorn-oh! Do come in, won't you?"

After a few moments of what sounded like Napoleon struggling to reach the doorknob, he opened the door and entered the cabin. "What is zis?"

"Just giving the boys their marching orders, sir. We're planning this wonderful trick on someone back home. Speaking of which, there's something I forgot to tell the others. Wait here - you and I have quite a bit to discuss."

With a tip of his hat, the captain grabbed his companions and pushed them out of the cabin as he walked back on deck, where the rest of his crew still stood dumbfounded. "Special announcement!"

They all crowded around him, and he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Listen up, because I'm only saying this once - we're sailing _to_ Blood Island, but we're not sailing to Blood Island. Keep it just on the horizon and sail around it. I'll handle things from there."

It was as though he had decided they weren't perplexed enough. _"...What?"_

"You'll learn of it later. Now let's go!"

Shaking their heads in wonder, the crew dispersed to finish preparing the ship while the Pirate Captain marched back into his cabin. "So I've got a few questions for you, Nappy..."

The Pirate With A Scarf crept up to the closed door. Putting his ear against it, he could hear what the captain was saying quite easily. "I want to know _everything_ about Paris. What's it look like? Any favorite landmarks? How do they treat you? Excruciating detail, s'il vous plaît..."


	3. Partners In Plotting

Within a few hours, a familiar outline appeared on the horizon. The Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens saw it and silently signaled to the Pirate With A Scarf, who knocked on the cabin door. It creaked open a bit, and the Pirate Captain poked his head out.

"It's time sir," the first mate whispered.

The captain shut the door again. "Sorry about this, Nappy. Got some things to take care of. I'll be awhile!" He then opened the door and came outside. A large notepad black with writing was tucked under his arm, and a mischievous smirk was on his face. "Did you get the boat ready?"

The Pirate With A Scarf gestured to the side of the boat, where the others had attached the Pirate Ship's lifeboat to a pulley and had lowered it into the ocean.

"We got the plank ready and waitin', too," said the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate as they all approached the captain. "Ya know, just in case ya change yer mind."

"I don't think that'll be necessary. But if it is, then we'll certainly have at him."

The Pirate With Gout couldn't take it anymore. "Captain, this is _madness!_ He'll never believe he's really in - "

"Not so loud!" The Pirate Captain stole a cautious glance at the cabin door. It stood ajar, and Napoleon was watching him through the crack. "We can't speak of it as long as he's here," he muttered as he gave their guest a friendly wave.

Once Napoleon had shut the door, the captain quickly got into the lifeboat. "Remember, just sail around and don't come near. I'll fetch you when everything's ready. Oh, and if he asks for me, make up something exciting." He then stuffed the notepad into his coat. "Well, best be off!"

"Captain," Charles asked, "you'll be back soon, right?"

"I'm not sure. There's an awful lot of redecorating to be done."

"...And you're sure it's possible."

With a smile and a tip of his hat, the Pirate Captain jumped over the side of the ship, grabbed one of the pulley ropes and slid down into the lifeboat. "It's only impossible if you stop to think about it!" he called back as he unhooked the ropes, picked up the oars and quickly rowed away from the ship.

"I suppose we mustn't think about it, then," the Albino Pirate said, managing to completely miss the expressions of exasperation on all his companions' faces. All except one.

The Pirate With A Scarf simply rolled his eyes and shook his head. _He never can pass up a chance to show off._

* * *

 

A smirk crossed Black Bellamy's face as he saw the Pirate Captain step through the doorway of the Barnacle's Face. "Well, well," he said, "look who's - "

"Bellamy! Just the man I wanted to see!" the captain exclaimed. Taking no notice of the odd stares he was receiving, he walked right up to Black Bellamy, grabbed his arm and proceeded to drag him outside onto the empty wharf. "Thought I'd have to go looking for you!"

For several moments, Black Bellamy was too flabbergasted to protest. "What are you _doing?"_ he finally shouted.

The Pirate Captain simply tightened his grip and took him towards the set of tall wooden doors which led to the rest of the island. "There's something we need to discuss." Pushing open the doors, he motioned to the dirt walkway on the other side. "Care to take a walk?"

After a few minutes, the jungle lining the path gave way to a collection of wooden buildings in various shapes and sizes. They looked as though they had been haphazardly shoved together, and they were swarming with pirates. Laughs, shouts, the singing of shanties and a myriad of other noises filled the air. So when Black Bellamy's outburst attracted several stares, even he was a bit surprised.

_"Are you **INSANE?"**_

"Possibly. But so's he! That's why I think there's a chance!"

"There's about as much chance as there is of us getting eaten by a sea monster."

"Then it just might work!"

Bellamy sighed. "Dude, you're not exactly the most popular guy around here. Even if it could work - _and it couldn't_ \- no one's gonna listen to it."

"They will if the Pirate King tells them. He still owes me a favor!"

"Yeah, but not something like this! He'll never agree to it!"

"Which is why I'm going to need someone who'll second the idea," the Pirate Captain said, patting his companion's shoulder.

"...You've _got_ to be kidding."

"But he'll listen to you! And besides, it wouldn't be for very long. You could flee the island or something!"

"Forget it!"

"I'll...I'll do something for you in return!"

Bellamy eyed him disdainfully. "Like _what?"_

A familiar high-pitched laughter got their attention. Staggering down the street towards them was Peg-Leg Hastings, stinking drunk and brandishing a yellowed old scroll. "Stand aside, you cove!" he shouted when he bumped into the Pirate Captain. "You're looking at the next Pirate of the Year! For _many_ years to come!"

"Really? And why is that?"

He waved the scroll in the captain's face. "I've got a map to the biggest mines in Africa, that's why!" he giggled madly. "Diamonds and gold, _mountains_ of it! And _all_ for me to take! Won't Black Bellamy be getting a nasty surprise...!"

"But of course. Say, you mind holding my hat for a moment?" In a single swift motion, the Pirate Captain removed his hat and placed it into Peg-Leg's hand while relieving him of his scroll and handing it to Black Bellamy. "Thank you, now be off!" he said as he quickly snatched back the hat.

Oblivious to what had just occurred, Peg-Leg turned and ambled away, still giggling to himself.

_"Now_ what do you say?" the captain asked triumphantly.

Bellamy looked at the scroll, then at the activities surrounding him. Two pirates had captured a third and were mercilessly dunking him in a well. A group of men were spying on some tavern wenches, and another one was chasing an unfortunate fellow down an alleyway with a large rolling pin in hand. Peg-Leg was offering a cup of grog and a night on the town to an alley cat. There wasn't a scrap of refinement, intelligence or dignity to be seen anywhere.

"I say we can pull this off."

* * *

 

The Pirate King had a very different view of the matter.

"WHAT IS THIS _IMPUDENCE?"_ he thundered, the sound making the walls of his study shake. "How dare you come before me with such a proposition!"

The Pirate Captain tried not to look sheepish. "I know it's a terrible idea - "

_"TERRIBLE?_ It would be a _disgrace_ to my kingdom and all its subjects! I shall not allow it!"

Now it was Bellamy's turn. "Your Majesty," he said as he came forward, "can't you be a little more...open to suggestion?"

_"Honestly,_ Bellamy, I thought you had more sense than this. You would have finished off the little demon straightaway!"

"Well, duh, but that's beside the point." He took a flask out of his coat pocket and offered it to the king. "I think you're looking at this all wrong."

"How so?"

"Don't you remember all the trouble this Napoleon dude stirred up? It was the end of the world as we knew it! Total chaos! I learned French because I figured we'd all be speaking it soon! And the _ships!_ The ships were too busy fighting to carry any treasure! Stealing booty? You nearly cancelled Pirate of the Year because there wasn't any booty _to_ steal!"

The Pirate King rolled his eyes and took a large swig from the flask. "My patience with _both_ of you is _waning!"_

"Okay, okay. You've got two choices; you can go along with Captain's plan and be done with this in a couple weeks...or you can go back to _those_ days. What's it gonna be?"

"If you two were _real_ pirates, there would be _no need_ for a plan!"

"That's what I thought," Bellamy said cheerfully. "By the way, how do you like that drink?"

"...What about it?"

"Pretty strong stuff." The Pirate King stared into the flask suspiciously, blinked twice and suddenly fell forward onto the desk, snoring loudly.

"I told you we weren't going to do that!"

Bellamy poked the king's form. "He should be out for a day or three. We'll lock him in his room and feed him more when he wakes up. Come on, we were both thinking it!" he added upon seeing the captain's expression. "You take care of the plans, and I'll get everyone organized." Still chuckling to himself, he left the room.

Gingerly pushing the Pirate King back into a sitting position, the Pirate Captain leaned against the desk and began to flip through his notepad. _The roads will need to be fixed up, he thought, and we can put that arch thing near the front. But **what** are we going to do about the Eiffel Tower?_


	4. Welcome To Paris Island

One Week Later

The sun hung in the middle of the sky, annoying the crew even more than it usually did. It was that time of day once again.

Looking at the cabin door, the Pirate With Gout began counting down. "Three, two, one..."

The door slammed open and Napoleon marched onto the deck. "Stand at attention, peasants!" he thundered.

With great reluctance, the pirates dragged themselves from their work and formed a pathetic line in front of their tormentor. He marched back and forth past them, clearly enjoying this daily "evaluation of the troops," as he called it. His troops, on their part, was finding it increasingly difficult to resist the urge to stomp upon him.

"Cease your slouching!" Napoleon said, but they were already making a halfhearted attempt at it. His face wrinkled up in annoyance, and he was silent for a few seconds. Then, without warning, he whirled around and kicked Charles in the ankles.

The man gasped in pain and doubled over. "What was _that_ for?" he asked angrily.

"You made eye contact with _moi."_

Sensing that heads could very well be ripped from bodies if someone didn't intervene, the Pirate With A Scarf spoke up. "You know, sir, we'd be getting to Paris a lot faster if you'd leave us to our work."

Napoleon glared at him. "I did not grant you permission to speak, peasant."

"I don't need it. _You're_ not captain of this boat."

That, it seemed, was the key required to unlock the emperor's fury. "And why would I wish to command such imbeciles as you? Why, my army would use you for target practice! I have half a mind to let them if this insolence continues! Where is your captain? Why have we not reached Paris? I haven't seen another ship pass us for days! You probably couldn't spot one if it was coming right at you - "

_"Ship!"_ the Albino Pirate abruptly shouted.

_**"YOU DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO SPEAK, EITHER!"** _

"No, really! Ship!"

A ship was indeed approaching them from the direction of Blood Island, and rather quickly at that. As it came closer, the crew realized that it was Black Bellamy's clipper - one could not have known from the flag it was flying. The skull and crossbones had been lowered and replaced by a French tricolor with hasty, uneven stitches. Another such flag hung from the bow, at which stood a familiar and very welcome figure.

"I say, Your Majesty!" the Pirate Captain shouted as he grabbed a rope and swung across the gap between the ships. "Look what I found!"

Black Bellamy followed him. "Welcome home, Emperor!" he exclaimed in an accent which was...European, at least. "We have come to lead you back to ze city! Ze people are waiting for you!"

Fortunately, Napoleon didn't seem to notice it. "What are you waiting for?" he told the crew. "My people await their commander!"

The crew, however, was not waiting for anything; the moment they had seen the captain, they had raced to get the ship turned towards land. "Everything alright back there?" the Pirate With A Scarf whispered to the Pirate Captain.

"You won't recognize the place," he answered with a grin.

Despite knowing it was probably in vain, the first mate silently hoped this was true.

* * *

 

It wasn't.

"Why is there water lapping at our walls?" Napoleon muttered, ignoring the **WELCOME HOME EMPEROR!** which were draped over every sign on the wharf. "Did the Seine flood? Is it like this inside? We have prided ourselves on being superior to Venice!"

"No need to worry!" Black Bellamy said, still trying to pin down his accent. "Global warming. Ze snow on ze Alps melted and decided to come down here. Makes a fine moat, wouldn't you agree?" Without waiting for a response, he used his foot to push Napoleon towards the main road, upon which stepping stones had been placed in something resembling a pattern. "No time for chatting, you've got a procession to head up!"

While all this was occurring, the Pirate Captain had gone ahead to make sure all was prepared. He rushed down the main road, checking to see that the fake stone walls put up to conceal the jungle were still sturdy. When he reached the town, the rest of the party was only a short walk behind. _"Positions!"_ he shouted to the assembled crowd. Pirates lined the street, each one forced into the finest, cleanest and itchiest clothes that could be found for them. The men's hats had been replaced with berets, and every face wore a sullen expression.

The command was met with quiet grumbling. "What's the king got _this_ planned for?" someone said.

"Cheering first, questioning later!" the captain said back. Picking up a rusted old trumpet, he blew a loud, dull, discordant note. "Presenting the great and illustrious Emperor Napoleon!"

Nothing happened.

"Er...hello?"

"I demand to be carried!" the little man's voice rang out from down the path.

"...Give us a moment," said the Pirate Captain to the agitated gathering. He ran back around a bend and out of sight, returning a few seconds later with Napoleon perched on his shoulder like a monkey. "Alright, _now_ you may cheer!"

To his consternation and Napoleon's annoyance, the people remained silent.

_Plan B, then._ The Pirate Captain brought the trumpet to his lips and yelled into it. "Free drinks all night for everyone who does!"

If you wanted a pirate to do something a tad abnormal but still acceptable, you promised them grog. If you wanted a pirate to do the most ridiculous thing you could think of and then some, you promised them free grog. It usually worked, and this, thankfully, was no exception. A triumphant smile spread across Napoleon's face as dozens of hearty shouts rose up from the crowd, along with several of the berets. "Ha! You were wrong, peasant!" he said to the Pirate With A Scarf, who was reluctantly trudging alongside his captain. "They still follow me!"

"Yes, terrific."

"Quickly!" the emperor said, impatiently kicking the Pirate Captain's shoulder with his stubby legs. "Take me to Versailles!"

"But of course, your honor," the captain answered. "Now it's a bit of a walk, and the garden's _very_ overgrown - "

"That is no matter. I wish to see my empress."

The Pirate Captain's crew halted in the middle of the street, too shocked to continue moving. "Your _what?"_

Their captain, however, took no notice. He simply straightened his hat and quickened his pace. "Oh, I hear she's perfectly sick with grief over what happened..."

"Please tell us ye've got a plan fer this," the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate said to Black Bellamy.

"Yep," he said grimly. "If she doesn't kill us all first."


	5. The Grand Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I knew those countless hours watching Blackadder would someday pay off!

The crew had gathered in the foyer of the Pirate King's palace to view the proceedings, for this new spectacle had never been seen before and would certainly never be seen again.

"Remember, just pretend to faint if he get too annoying," the Pirate Captain was telling his latest victim.

Cutlass Liz struggled as best she could in her tight black gown. _"You_ remember what I have been promised!" she snarled.

"No flirting except at parties, no telling the squid anecdote while you're in the tavern and the plundering rights to Spanish boats are all yours until Christmas."

"And you will not enter Pirate of the Year?"

"Oh, very well!"

At that moment, Charles burst through the front door. "I can't keep him away any longer - "

He was drowned out by Napoleon's reedy voice coming from outside. "Marie-Lou _iiiiii_ se!"

A flurry of activity ensued as all but the captain and Liz rushed up the staircase and out of sight, a few peeking back around the corner to watch what would happen.

"We'll keep him away after this, Cutlass," he said in an attempt to be reassuring. "Do try and smile."

Liz responded by pushing up the corners of her mouth into something resembling a grimace. "If he attempts _anything_ more than a kiss," she said with one more glare at her companion, "I'm cutting his heart out."

She had barely finished speaking when Napoleon shoved the doors open. "Despair no longer, _mon amour,_ for I have returned!" He marched proudly towards Liz, who could do nothing but stare. "Well? Are you not overjoyed?"

"A bit shellshocked, I think," the Pirate Captain said. "Has been ever since we told her you were coming. Haven't you, Queenie?"

"Indeed," Liz answered in a monotone as she knelt before Napoleon. "I thought it was impossible - "

"Nothing is impossible for _moi,_ darling!" Napoleon crowed. Grabbing Liz's hand in both of his, he laid a huge, sloppy kiss on the back of it. "Oh, the many times I have thought of zis day," he said as he began moving the kisses up her arm.

That was quite enough for Liz. Stiffening up, she flopped unconvincingly onto her side and shut her eyes.

_"Mon dieu!_ What is wrong with her?"

"Another fainting spell, it seems," the captain replied as the Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens came down the stairs to carry Liz off. "I hear it happens quite a bit. Best you don't disturb her while she's out - "

He was cut off by the loud groaning of the Pirate King from somewhere up above, followed by the creaking of boards.

"And you'd best not disturb the giant man-eating tarantula in the garret. Stubborn brute. _No,_ don't try, it's too dangerous!" he added as Napoleon started to march upstairs. "You know, I've got the most marvelous idea! While they're killing the thing, why don't we go on a tour of the city?" Without waiting for an answer, he began shoving Napoleon towards the door. "Come along, lads!"

His crew followed him outside, some more wary than others. There was one thing on all their minds, however; it was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

 

A cardboard cutout of the Eiffel Tower had been placed upon a large pile of rocks, and the paint on it was still drying when the procession passed.

"I remembered it being...larger," Napoleon said, staring at the makeshift construction rather suspiciously.

The Pirate Captain looked up from his list of notes. "They say the upkeep was getting to be too much, maintenance costs and all that. Couldn't bear to part with the thing, so it's been downsized."

As if on cue, one of the rocks tumbled out of place, and the prop began slowly tipping onto its side.

"...And we thought to experiment with the Italian style for a bit."

"You thought wrong. Amend zis affront at once, _paysans!"_

"Without fail, sir!" Smiling to himself, the captain scratched a check mark onto the list next to the phrase _Eiffel Tower._

* * *

 

Next up was _Beekeeping._

"I wouldn't disturb them if I were you!" the Pirate Captain said as he pulled Napoleon away from one of the many white boxes which had been erected outside town. "They're sleeping at the moment, and you know how they - _don't touch them either, Chuck!"_

Charles quickly drew his hand back. "Why not?"

"Well, you see, um..." He lowered his voice. "We couldn't actually find any bees. Plenty of hornets, though. You think he'll notice?"

* * *

 

All of the artwork in the "Louvre" was simply a bunch of canvases with paint splattered all over them, including the one labeled Mona Lisa.

"It's an alternate interpretation," the captain explained. "You know, good old French style."

This time, however, Napoleon didn't seem to be taking the bait. "Strange..."

"What, can't ya see it?" the Pirate With Gout said, pointing his crutch at the canvas. "It's how the lass would look after an especially bloody encounter with a colossal squid!"

Napoleon stared at the picture for another moment, then a grin of approval spread across his face. "So it does. I always thought she looked like a _cochon chien_ anyway."

_Check._

* * *

 

It had been an unspoken agreement that the Albino Pirate would be the mime - he was the only one willing to wear the makeup, after all - and he was throwing himself into the role with all the gusto one might expect. This included not screaming as he was chased down the street by a pistol-wielding Napoleon.

"What do you _mean,_ you forgot that he hates mimes?" the Pirate With A Scarf asked his captain incredulously.

The Pirate Captain flipped through his notes. "Either that or he just didn't mention it. Personally, I think it's the second one."

Choosing to pursue his friend instead of the matter, the Pirate With A Scarf returned his attention to the situation at hand. "Come over here, Albino Pirate...no, not through the fish cart...!"

* * *

 

"So...is this something you eat often...?" The Pirate Captain's train of thought derailed itself once again as Napoleon finished off yet another of the snails he had demanded for dinner. "I mean, I didn't think you were _serious_ about it."

"It is ze finest of delicacies!" the man exclaimed. "We French adore it! Here, I will show you." Standing up in his chair, he yelled, _"Escargot_ for everyone!"

No sooner had the words left his lips than the patrons of the Barnacle's Face disappeared in the blink of an eye, some jumping through windows if they had to.

"...Well, times change. I can keep those in my beard if you'd like to save them."

* * *

 

Night had long fallen by the time they got back to the palace.

"I think that's everything," the Pirate Captain said as he went over his checklist. "Nothing else you'd like to see, Nappy?"

"Only one thing," Napoleon said, flinging open the front doors. "Where is ze spider?"

"T-The spider?"

"Ze spider in ze garret! It is dead, _oui?"_

"Er...yes! Stone dead! They'll have disposed of the body by now, so don't ask to see it! And since you're all settled in now, my crew and I had best be off." _The sooner we can find someone to haul you back to where you came from, the better._

"I am afraid that shall not be possible."

_"What?"_ the pirates exclaimed in unison.

"I have taken a liking to you pirates, and I request that you stay at Versailles for as long as you continue to amuse me."

"We'd been delighted, but we've got some other things to do - "

"On pain of death."

"...You don't say."


	6. How Not To Overthrow A Tyrant

When the Pirate King woke up, he was instantly hit with a headache that was nasty even for him. _Bellamy...the Pirate Captain..._

Vaguely aware that something extensively humiliating had been done to him, he lurched toward the door. Which, he failed to notice, stood ajar. _Blasted lubbers, I'll show them -_

**THUD.**

The sound, along with that of the Pirate King collapsing to the floor unconscious, traveled up to the study. The Pirate Captain heard it and made a mental note to put the king back in bed and replace the cannonball perched atop the door. It was most lucky, he had decided, that His Majesty had such a tough skull.

A knock on the door drew him back to the present. "Come in!"

The Pirate With A Scarf entered, wearing an expression that was a mixture of annoyance, confusion and apathy. "I'm to have my head cut off morning after next, apparently."

"You don't say. What's it for?"

"Walking in on his portrait painting. No use pleading for my life, he says."

"On the bright side, didn't I tell you we'd be using those dummies someday?"

They thought of the harbor, where straw heads separated from straw bodies by Napoleon's guillotine stood impaled on stakes as a warning to others. The Albino Pirate had been the first, thanks to the mime business. Charles had followed after beating the emperor at a chess game, and the Pirate With Gout had joined them after that incident with the iocane powder. They were all hiding in the ship now, not daring to venture onto land.

The Pirate Captain examined his first mate's face further. "You've got something else troubling you."

_"Captain!"_ Napoleon shrieked from some other room. "My decrees do not issue themselves! Come here at once!"

Sighing, the captain stood up. "Be back in a bit," he said over his shoulder as he walked past his first mate.

"...Captain, _what_ are we going to do?"

The captain didn't answer - not with words, anyway. He merely pointed at the papers on the desk before leaving.

Approaching the pile, the Pirate With A Scarf looked at the map on top. Halfway between Africa and South America was a dot representing an island. It was only visible because the Pirate Captain had drawn a circle around it and sketched a path to it from Blood Island.

* * *

 

On the morning after next, a straw dummy of the Pirate With A Scarf was tossed into a wagon and taken out to the dock, along with Napoleon. The pirates of the town ducked inside and peeked through the windows at him as he passed, just as they did every time he ventured from his lair to make sure they were staying in line. A notice was pinned up telling of a speech the Emperor was to give, and the group proceeded to the guillotine.

It was a short ceremony - the dummy was moved into position, a basket was placed where the head would fall, Napoleon got in one last insult as his victim and the blade was brought down.

The Pirate Captain had some business to take care of, he said, and the others should go back to the palace without him. Napoleon was in a good mood and thought nothing of it, merely telling him to be back by lunch while gazing with approval at the new head in his harbor.

After watching the emperor disappear, the captain stole a quick glance around the wharf before tearing off towards the boat. He had a notice of his own.

* * *

 

Late that night, the remaining pirates stole away from the palace and returned to the ship. A table was set up, a lamp was lit and everyone gathered around to hear what the ringleader of their scheme had to say.

"Order, order!" the Pirate Captain shouted, banging on the table in defiance of the fact that no one was talking. This, however, was what one said when starting a meeting. "Now you all know why we're here - "

"I don't. Why haven't you just let Liz run him through?" Bellamy quipped while Liz nodded in agreement.

"Save all questions for the end, please. But I will say that there are _far_ less messy solutions." He cleared his throat, attempting to sound more important. "My plan, in its simplest form, is this; we get him off the island."

Liz rolled her eyes. _"Never_ would have guessed that."

With a fair bit of restraint, the Pirate Captain was able to ignore him. "Of course, there's the matter of details." Procuring a map from his coat, he spread it out on the table. "Can you see what I've circled?"

Not if he hadn't circled it, they said.

"Good! That's the island of...no, that's a bit too generous. It's more like a very large rock in the ocean. Saint Helena, they call it. _I_ call it Nappy's new home. We just have to get him on a ship, sail him there, rush off before he gets wise to it and _bingo!"_

"He's not coming out of there, you know," Bellamy said, unimpressed.

Charles then jumped into the discussion. "Unless he thinks he must."

"See? _He's_ catching on," said the Pirate Captain with a not-so-subtle glance at his rivals. He pulled out his cutlass and cut through a rope holding up a cloth, which tumbled down to reveal a series of doodles drawn on it. In the first one, a monstrous clown was stomping around and breathing fire. "Step one, we let the Pirate King loose for a while."

"That's not the - "

"Artistic license, Albino Pirate. Step two, we tell Napoleon that rebels are coming to overthrow him and he needs to get out." This was accompanied by a picture of Napoleon imagining himself being eaten by the clown. "We escape the palace..." The picture showed Napoleon being tossed out a window. "...take him to Saint Helena..." Neptune was blowing the ship away from Blood Island. "...leave him there before he gets wise to it..." The ship sailed away from an island where Napoleon was sulking. "...and _ding dong, the loony's gone!"_ he finished while the stick figure representations of the crew beamed happily.

Charles now fully regretted opening his mouth.

"So, any questions?" the captain asked.

"Yeah, where's the _real_ plan?" said Bellamy.

"This _is_ the plan."

"That's what I thought." Getting up, Bellamy and Liz sauntered out of the hold without so much as a "see you later."

Smiling sheepishly, the Pirate Captain looked back down the table at his crew. "Oh, who needs them, anyway? They're just mad because they couldn't pull something like this off. _We_ can, because _we're_ clever. Besides, we've attempted things far worse than this and come out alright."

That _was_ true, the others thought.

"And my plans _usually_ work. Maybe not quite in the way they're supposed to, but still. So are you with me, lads?"

They all cheered for him. True, it was one of the maddest schemes they'd ever heard, but that was what they liked about it. The captain would surely make it work. And it couldn't go _too_ wrong, could it?


	7. The Coup d'Etat

"Well? Are you not in awe?"

"Positively gobsmacked, your honor."

This was actually true; the Pirate Captain was having a hard time figuring out how he should properly react to Napoleon's portrait. His first instinct was to laugh at the thing. But their plans relied on him keeping his head, so all he could do was stare. Suffice to say, Napoleon's scrawny head didn't exactly look convincing atop the tall, muscular, horse-riding body it had been melded to.

His eyes darted to the grandfather clock for what felt like the tenth time - in reality, it was probably the twentieth. Five minutes to ten, the face read. _Not long now._ Nodding at whatever Napoleon said, he kept his gaze fixed on the long hand as it moved upwards bit by bit. _In three, two, one..._

The discordant chimes of the clock striking was music to his ears. "My, my, look at the time! I'd turn in if I were you. Don't want to look groggy for the speech tomorrow, now do we?"

"I retire when I please, peasant," Napoleon snapped, but he failed to stifle the yawn which came immediately afterwards.

"See? That's what I'm talking about." Despite Napoleon's protests, the captain picked him up and promptly hauled him off to his room.

The small man glared back at him once placed inside. "I demand - "

Grinning, the Pirate Captain shut the door in his face and locked it. "Get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be _most_ eventful."

It took a while, but Napoleon's angry mutterings and kicks to the door eventually subsided. The light in the room was put out shortly afterwards, and soon the captain could hear him snoring. Yes!

Running to the window at the end of the hall, the Pirate Captain pushed it open. He looked out over the jungle, then puckered his lips and gave a high-pitched whistle.

For a moment, there was silence. Then, from a rustling bush, there came an identical high-pitched whistle. The signal had been heard. One by one, the crew members emerged from their hiding place and crept into the palace.

The Pirate Captain met them in the front room. "Now everyone has their part in this. Most of you just need to make noise. But first, you wake up the king. Mr. Bobo, you're the fastest, so you lead him around."

_**Hurroo.** _

The Pirate With A Scarf cast a brief, hesitant glance up the stairs, but it went unnoticed.

"Got that, lads? Good. Here we go, then!"

* * *

 

_CRASH!_

It had taken a bit of work, but the Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens finally managed to tip over the bed. The Pirate King pushed himself up groggily, his vision spinning. "Who _dares_ toss me to the _ground?"_

His eyes sorted themselves out, and he found himself staring into the face of a terrified monkey. A monkey which, in the blink of an eye, had fled from the room and taken off down the hallway. _"COME BACK HERE, YOU **IRASCIBLE SIMIAN!"**_ Staggering to his feet, he gave chase to the creature, slamming into walls and knocking down every piece of furniture he collided with.

The Pirate With Gout could hear the ruckus from the floor above. "He's on the move, sir!" he told the Pirate Captain.

Flinging Napoleon's door open, the Pirate Captain prostrated himself before the bed. _"Wake up, Your Majesty!"_

Napoleon sat bolt upright, a pistol in one hand and a knife in the other. "What is it?"

"Oh, it's horrible! It's the third most terrible thing to happen in the history of the world!"

"Why only ze - "

"The people of the city! They've broken in and they're out to have your head!"

In a moment of perfect timing, they suddenly the other pirates running around upstairs after Mr. Bobo and the Pirate King. "Where is he?" "Downstairs, I think!" "Come on, this way!"

That was all the encouragement Napoleon needed. _"Suivez-moi!"_ he exclaimed, jumping out of bed fully clothed and rushing past the captain. "How many are zere?"

"Oh, you can't possibly take them on! It's too dangerous! We'll have to sneak you out."

Although he scowled at the captain, Napoleon soon rolled his eyes and relented. "Lead ze way, _monsieur."_

They began creeping down the hall towards the staircase while the clattering from above got steadily louder. The Pirate Captain noticed this and quickened his pace. "Hurry! Maybe we can outrun them - "

He stumbled and nearly fell over as a small figure ran through his legs, giving him a look of fright before disappearing again.

_Just because I know what's coming doesn't make it **fair.**_

"RUN!" he yelled, booting Napoleon forward and watching him scramble down the staircase. He had barely half a second to prepare himself before the Pirate King barreled into him, sending them both flying against the wall with a **THUD** that was every bit as painful as it sounded.

The Pirate King's meaty hands latched onto the Pirate Captain's shoulders and lifted him off his feet. _"What scheme have you fabricated against me?"_ he shouted into the defenseless man's face. _"WELL?"_

"Funny story..."

_"Look out!"_

The crew was thundering down the hallway, and the Pirate King was in their path. Despite being a very large man, even he could not withstand the force of many frantic souls shoving him aside.

The Pirate Captain was dropped to the floor and staggered to his feet. "ThankyouladsI'dbenothingwithoutyouLET'SGETOUTOFHERE!"

By the time that the Pirate King realized what had happened, they were already gone.

* * *

 

The captain found Napoleon in the foyer, at the bottom of the stairs. "Sorry about that, I was - no, no, don't shoot me! Ah, thank you. As I was saying, sorry about that. Emergency."

"Hush!" Napoleon commanded, looking around. "Zey have stopped."

"Quite right...no doubt planning their next move. We'd best be off."

Napoleon didn't budge. "I zought zey would destroy more."

"It's a very _concentrated_ rage. Concentrated on _you."_ He cut off Napoleon's retort by picking him up, tucking him under his arm and carrying him out the front door.

The little man was struggling as best he could. "Unhand me, you rampallian - "

"Trust me, this is what's best for you," the Pirate Captain said, covering Napoleon's mouth. He hurried down the moonlit path towards town, his eyes anxiously scanning his surroundings. No surprises yet. The sound of lapping waves reached his ears, filling him with relief. Perhaps this would work after all...

_BLAM!_

He dropped to the ground as a small cannonball shot over his head and tore a hole in a tree. Standing on a rock above him were Bellamy and Liz, their weapons ready and aimed at Napoleon.

"Go to the ship at once," he told Napoleon before releasing him and standing up to confront the two spanners in his works. He didn't notice that Napoleon merely crawled around the corner, staying within earshot of the conversation.

"What are you two _doing?"_ he snapped. "You think I messed up the palace and got the Pirate King after my lads and I for nothing? Now you've gone and - "

"Dude, we're trying to help you!" Bellamy said as he and Liz jumped to the ground. "Don't you want to get rid of him?"

"Of course!"

"Then why not make it easy?" Liz asked.

"One, you haven't had to try and fight the little cove, and two, the king's probably planning to have _my_ head this very moment! I've got to..."

He trailed off as something appeared in the corner of his eye. Napoleon was staring at him, wide-eyed and gaping. _"...GET HIM!"_

In the blink of an eye, Napoleon had bolted off into the darkness. The Pirate Captain frantically followed him with Bellamy and Liz at his side.

"This isn't a problem, this isn't a problem," the captain was repeating to himself. "Seeing the city might calm him down. Right?"

Bellamy looked down. "Not exactly...we..."

"Spit it out."

"We kinda took everything down already."

* * *

 

Everything had returned to normal in the town. Lights were ablaze, shanties filled the air and the streets were packed with joyful pirates celebrating their liberation.

Napoleon watched it all from a distance, growing more furious by the second. How could he have been so stupid? These pirates had been planning to destroy him all along! Him! The great emperor! He needed to get back to Paris, the real Paris. There he would raise a proper army and have his revenge! But where would he find a suitable vessel...?

His gaze fell upon the harbor, where the worthless captain's ship was docked. A wicked smile spread across his face. _Magnifique._

* * *

 

"I think we're getting close!" the Pirate Captain said as he followed Napoleon's footprints. "We'll catch him in town and get him on the boat. I told you this would work, Bellamy!"

Bellamy was up ahead, staring at something. "He didn't go to town."

"What do you mean?" the captain asked when he caught up.

"Look at _this."_

The tracks had gone up a hill overlooking the town, but then they had veered off into the jungle towards the wharf. Which was missing a very important thing.

"Oh, no..."

The Pirate Captain's suspicions were confirmed when he rushed onto the dock. He was just in time to see his ship sailing off over the horizon and out of sight.


	8. Hope Lost, Hope Found

The Pirate King slammed open the door of the Barnacle's Face with a force that nearly shattered it. _**"WHERE IS HE?"** _

All fell silent, trying desperately to avoid becoming the target of his wrath. "Where's who?" someone was foolish enough to ask.

Snapping, the Pirate King whirled around and grabbed the unsuspecting man's face. "The Pirate Captain, _that's_ who! I'll shave his beard! I'll squeeze him 'til he pops! Then I'll _feed him to the seagulls!"_ He tossed the pirate down, then began stalking about the tavern in search of his prey. "If you're hiding him, you'll meet the same fate!" he yelled as he swung his fist over their heads.

The Pirate With A Scarf winced at the sight, and the Albino Pirate looked positively terrified. They and the others had tucked themselves in the corner and were trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

When he concluded that the man he sought was to be found elsewhere, the Pirate King made a half-baked effort at regaining his composure and marched back into the street. "The pirate who finds him shall deliver him to me _at once!"_ he added before slamming the door behind him.

A head peeped out from behind the bar. Ever so cautiously, the Pirate Captain rose to a standing position. "Well, that was too close for comfort." He then turned to the other pirates with a timid smile. "Anyone have a boat I can borrow? Some maps to France would be nice, too."

They were instantly upon him, hoisting him up by his arms and legs and dragging him out from behind the bar towards the door. "You've done it this time!" "Always were more trouble than you were worth." "Do you think we'll get a reward?"

He wriggled free from their grasp and darted for the cellar door. "Don't I get a say in this?"

They simply continued to advance, backing him against the wall. There was no way out.

"Stop it!"

The Pirate With A Scarf was standing upon the bar and glaring down at the crowd. "Shame. On. You. A man tries to do something right, and you lot turn on him without a moment's thought."

The crowd stared at him with incomprehension. Someone was actually defending this idiot?

"It's all his fault!" a pirate said. "This Napoleon business was _his_ idea."

"And you know what else? It was working right up until Black Bellamy stuck his nose in it." The Pirate With A Scarf stepped down from the bar and began to walk amongst the mob. "I know what you all think of Captain, and I'll admit that you're a bit right - no offense, sir. But that's only the half of it! Sometimes he messes up, but he'll always admit it in the end. When he's got his mind set on something, he never gives up on it. Can he be terrifically idiotic? Oh, certainly. But I've seen him pull off feats that none of you would _ever_ dare try." He motioned for the captain to come stand with him, which he did gratefully. "Now we've got something else to say, and you're going to hear it. Napoleon's caught our bluff and he's gone off. He'll go back to France and get his army back together, then he'll have his revenge on the world for locking him up. And where do you think he'll start?"

The pirates tried to keep their faces calm, but it was obvious that the implications of this statement had sunk in.

"He hasn't gotten far, though," the Pirate With A Scarf continued. "If we all give chase, we have a fighting chance of catching up to him. But he's getting farther away this very moment. We've got to act _now,_ for our own good. So, who's with us?"

"...Let's all go get the Pirate King!" Laughing cruelly and chattering about how fine it would be to see that stupid captain get what he deserved, the pirates streamed out of the tavern and down the wharf.

The Pirate Captain sank into a chair, and the Pirate With A Scarf steadied him. "I..I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't be. Best speech I've ever heard, Number Two. You'll make a fine captain to the lads once I'm swinging by my neck."

"We're getting out of here," his first mate said as the others formed a ring around him.

"Not without a boat!"

"What about the short man?" the Albino Pirate asked worriedly.

"Oh, forget about him," the captain said bitterly. "He's miles away by now."

While all this was transpiring, Polly was wondering around the room and hacking loudly. The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate was the only one who noticed this, and he watched as the dodo coughed up a rather large wad of paper. Normally he would have thought nothing of it, but some marking beneath the spit caught his eye. Picking up the paper, he carefully unwadded it. When he realized what he was holding, his eyes widened with amazement. He pulled over Charles, whose jaw dropped at the sight of the find. _"Captain!"_ they said excitedly.

"What...?"

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate proudly shoved the wet paper in his face. _"This_ is what!"

It was a map of France - one he had seen Napoleon looking at, come to think of it. "So?"

"Don't you see what he drew?" Charles said, pointing to some black markings on the map. They were smudged from their time in Polly's stomach, but one could still interpret them. Napoleon had traced out a long line which went from Paris to a dot somewhere in Belgium labeled _Waterloo._ "It's where he's going to strike first!"

"I don't follow you." The Pirate With A Scarf was beginning to catch on. "What if we were waiting for him when we got there?"

Something clicked inside the Pirate Captain's brain, and his eyes lit up as a huge grin spread across his face. "Neptune's breath, _that's it!"_

Voices were beginning to fill the air outside. The mob of pirates had returned, and this time they had brought their king with them.

The Pirate With Gout raised up his crutch. "I'll hold 'em off, Cap'n!"

"No need for that, I'm afraid," the Pirate Captain responded as he opened the cellar door. "Come on, lads! We'll show _them!"_


	9. La Resistance

"Got ya now!" said the pirate who triumphantly opened the door of the Barnacle's Face. "Come out where - "

 _ **"I CAN SENSE YOU, PEST!"**_ the Pirate King crowed as he swatted the unfortunate man aside with his meaty hand. "My piratical instincts are _far_ superior to yours! Do not prolong this business by hiding!"

Nothing happened.

_"...Did you not hear me?"_

Still nothing. In fact, the tavern was completely empty.

"Your Majesty!" a voice called from outside. "Come and see!"

He went around to the back of the building, where a group of pirates stood looking down at something with concern. It was the cellar door, lying open.

That was when they heard the shrieks. "Somebody stop them!" "What do they think they're doing?" "They've all gone _mad!"_

Sailing away from the island was a sight that, for the first time in his life, left the Pirate King utterly speechless.

Of all the ways which the king had to display his authority, his personal favorite was his boat. Already a mighty warship when he had captured it using nothing more than his voice and bare hands, he had set about making it even mightier. Plates of iron now protected its thick wooden hull, from which cannonballs harmlessly bounced. A statue of himself in mid-bellow served as its figurehead. The whole vessel was painted a brilliant white and gold, and it was said that any enemy who looked upon it promptly surrendered. To glimpse its sails was to know true fear.

And the Pirate Captain was waltzing off with it.

Legend says that the ensuing roar could be heard on islands a day's journey away.

The Albino Pirate laughed as he watched the now-distant figure hop around waving his fists. "What do you suppose he's saying, Pirate With Gout?"

"Somethin' nice and colorful," his friend replied. "No, not the good colors. The other ones."

A fanfare from the Pirate With An Accordion cut them off. The Pirate Captain had strode onto the center of the deck with a look of determination on his face that his crew rarely saw. "We all know what we're doing, lads, now let's get to it! Someone turn this thing northeast!"

The Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens spun the wheel around, and the ship went off through the ocean like a flaming knife through butter.

"He wants a chase?" the captain proclaimed, darting to the bow. "Then _by Neptune, we'll give him one!"_

* * *

 

Neptune seemed to have a decidedly more favorable opinion of the crew's endeavor than the Pirate King, for they had a fine wind behind them and a dearth of sea monsters in their path. It still took a week of madly racing across the sea, but before long they were there.

"Land!" the Albino Pirate yelled from the crow's nest one day. "I can see some land!"

Scrambling up the mast, the Pirate Captain whipped out his telescope and peered through it anxiously. They were approaching a small, sandy coast that was devoid of life. In the captain's eyes, however, nothing had ever looked grander.

"Good work, lads!" he yelled down at the deck. "Now I want you to run her aground!"

The crew looked up at him with a mixture of perplexity and horror. "Why...?"

"Just do it!"

Within a few minutes, the great ship was sitting on the beach, completely immobile and probably getting its paint scratched.

Pushing some barrels together to make a table, the Pirate Captain spread out Napoleon's map for everyone to see. "It's very simple. We're here," he said as he pointed to a spot on Belgium's coast, "and we need to be _here."_ He moved his finger over Waterloo and tapped on it authoritatively. "Any questions? Besides 'how are we going to get there in time?'"

_**Good. Question.** _

The captain smiled. "There's no need to ask a question when you've already got the answer." He then turned to the Pirate With A Scarf, who was standing behind the wheel. "You can turn it on now, Number Two!"

The Pirate With A Scarf flipped up a small switch on the center of the wheel. A loud clanking filled the air as the ship began to rise off the ground, growing several feet before snapping to a stop.

"The king may not be that pleasant," the Pirate Captain said, "but you got to give him some credit. When he says he thinks of everything, he means _everything."_

Four large iron wheels had descended from the hold of the boat, two in front and two in the back. They seemed to carry the craft's weight quite easily.

"They say he wanted these so he could go sailing on land, but he never tried them out," the captain explained. "What do you say we take them out for a bit?"

"But there's nothing to make them turn!" the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate said.

"Number Two?"

The Pirate With A Scarf flipped another switch on the wheel, and the sound of grinding machinery began to rise up from the hold. The wheels moved - slowly and hesitantly at first, then faster and more fluidly. They drove the boat forward, taking it off the beach and towards the countryside up ahead. Within a few minutes, it was practically flying over the terrain.

Beaming happily, the captain joined his first mate at the wheel. "You know, we really ought to get this for the boat."

 _If we can get the boat,_ the Pirate With A Scarf thought. "So what's going on down there, anyway?"

"Oh, it's one of those steam engine things with gears and chains and such...best if you not think too hard about it, really..."

* * *

 

**Several Days Later**

**Waterloo - Outside the Encampment of the Seventh Coalition**

It didn't look good, the troops were saying. Their enemy was waiting just beyond the ridge, eager for the coming fight. The wily fox himself was commanding them. Planned to be eating breakfast off a silver plate while his soldiers plowed through them. Oh, where on earth were the Prussians? It'd all be over tomorrow morning without them...

Their low murmurs were cut short by a shrill scream. One of the scouts, a waif of a lad, was frantically stumbling down the hill towards the camp, yelling his head off all the way.

"Are they coming?" someone asked him as he arrived.

He shook his head and pointed a quivering finger behind him. "Worse!" he panted. "It's...it's a..."

"Tell us, boy!"

He didn't need to, for at that moment the mysterious attacker showed himself. Or rather, itself.

Terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought, the men could only stare as a gigantic ironclad on wheels came sailing over the hill and headed right for them like a harbinger of the Second Coming.

The scout resumed screaming, and this time he was joined by everybody else.

People rushed all over the place as the ship plowed into camp, grinding to a halt in the midst of the chaos it had caused. A large man with an even larger beard vaulted over the side, landed feet first on the ground and grabbed the fleeing scout. "Now then, where is he?"

"Where's who?"

"You lot know perfectly well who I'm talking about! Either you tell us where Napoleon is, or you face the consequences! And believe me, they are most unpleasant."

"Napoleon isn't here!"

"See? That wasn't so...not here? What do you mean, he's not here?"

"W-We're not French, sir! We're the Coalition!"

"...Oh." Suddenly much more amiable and a little bit embarrassed, the Pirate Captain released the boy. "Could I have everybody's attention, please?" he shouted, but no one one could hear him.

 _BOOM!_ A cannon blast rang out above the din, quickly silencing it.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate poked his head out from one of the cannon windows. "Think that shut 'em up, Captain!" he said happily.

"Thank you." The captain returned his attention to the soldiers. "Terribly sorry about that, gentlemen. Navigational error. If you'll just point us in the direction of the French camp, we'll be on our way."

"Who are you?" a man asked.

"Let's just say we're on your side for the moment and leave it at that. We're here to get Napoleon, same as you."

"If anyone's being got," someone snapped, "it'll be _us."_

"Come again?"

By now, the other pirates had lowered the gangplank and were coming off the ship. "Is there a problem, sir?" the Pirate With A Scarf asked.

"Quite possibly."

The scout piped up again. "We can't fight them on our own!" he said, pointing to a steep ridge ahead of them. "We barely had time to raise an army, he came so suddenly. He's cut us off from our reinforcements and trapped us here."

"So what's Plan B?"

"Hold this ground and pray they get here before he does."

"Well, _that's_ rubbish! Hasn't your general got something better cooked up?"

"He went over the ridge and never returned. We think he's been captured."

"You _think._ Didn't you bother to find out?"

A number of the soldiers looked away guiltily.

The Albino Pirate was only vaguely aware of what was going on. The crew had succeeded in capturing Napoleon while these men hadn't, and that was the limit of his understanding. "Our captain's better than your general, then," he said cheerfully. The Pirate With Gout tried shushing him, but he kept on rambling. "Why, he managed to make a fool of that silly little man. Didn't you, Captain?"

The Pirate With Gout clapped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late. Every soldier around them was staring at the Pirate Captain, eyes wide and mouths hanging open in astonishment.

"Yes...yes, I suppose I did."

The Pirate With A Scarf tugged on his arm. "We'd best be off, sir - "

He instantly found himself staring down the barrel of a musket. "He's not going anywhere!" the soldier pointing it said.

"First things first," said the captain as he swatted the barrel aside, "no one threatens my lads. If you want my help, you'll remember that."

The soldier withdrew. "Very well. Head over there," he said, gesturing to a tent beneath a tall elm tree at the center of the camp.

The Pirate Captain set off, flanked by his crew. "Now," he continued, "we're going to need maps, some weevil-free biscuits and those little models that you push around with a stick."


	10. Waterloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I could've just gone with the stereotypical "run at each other and fight" battle, but that would've been boring.

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the...ground that doesn't qualify as beaches, we shall fight in the fields and the streets and the hills! _We shall never surrender!_ We have not yet begun to fight! We happy few, we band of brothers! This shall be our finest hour! They may take our lives, but they will never, ever _ever_ take our - "

"Captain, I need to use those."

The captain looked down at his carefully arranged model army, and then he looked back at Charles with his best puppy-dog eyes. "Can't I finish?"

"Later."

Seeing that Charles wasn't joking for once, he reluctantly put down the cavalry officer he'd been practicing his heroic speech with. "Alright, gentlemen," he said to the soldiers gathered in the tent, "here's my plan. You are to follow it to the letter." He then picked up his stick and tapped Charles's head. "My plan is to follow _his_ plan. Take it away, Chuck!" He grabbed the cavalry officer again before sitting down to watch the proceedings. "Don't be alarmed if he starts to sound a tad mastermindy. Force of habit."

Rolling his eyes, Charles began to deftly rearrange the models on the table-wide map. "We need to maintain our position until the reinforcements arrive. Most of us are going to stay behind the ridge, and some will be garrisoned around the surrounding farms. The right flank is closer to the French, so that's where we're putting the majority of the troops..."

The evening wore on as strategies for the coming battle were slowly but surely assembled. It was nearly midnight when everyone retired to catch a few hours' sleep.

The Pirate Captain, however, wasn't a bit tired. "Do you think it's silly of me to be worried, girl?" he asked Polly, absentmindedly stroking her feathers. "They tell us old Nappy's never lost a battle in his life."

All he got in response was a soft, squawk-like snore. The content dodo had fallen asleep.

"Yeah, that is a good idea, isn't it?" Pushing back his chair and putting his feet up on the table, the Pirate Captain closed his eyes and was soon dreaming of warships sporting figureheads of him and Napoleon that chased each other around a field.

* * *

 

"That," the Pirate Captain said, "is a lot of French."

He passed his spyglass around so the other pirates could get a good view at what they were up against. Thousands of soldiers were assembling on the other end of the field, waiting eagerly for any chance to surge forward and tear apart their adversaries. Napoleon was pulling no punches; there were cavalry, artillery and painful-looking bayonets as far as the eye could see.

"Not that they're scary or anything!" the captain quickly added, seeing the fearful looks on his lads' faces. "Did _they_ ever take the world's finest warship and blow it to bits?"

"Well, he conquered most of the continent and could only be stopped by the _weather_ and broke out of the first prison they put him in and put himself back in charge of France just by marching into Paris - "

"That was a rhetorical question, Pirate With Gout."

Charles looked at his pocketwatch. Eleven thirty. "Why aren't they doing anything?"

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate squinted, then grabbed the spyglass to take another look. "They're doin' something now!"

Several explosions rang out in the distance, followed immediately by clouds of white smoke rising up from the French side. The cannons were firing.

"Alright, tell them to get going!" the Pirate Captain shouted to some men on horseback, who galloped off to the right flank. "You ready for this, lads?"

They all shook their heads.

"Good, because neither am I."

* * *

 

**Hougoument, 1:00 PM**

"They've _what?"_ the captain and the Pirate With A Scarf exclaimed in unison.

"Surrounded La Haye Sainte!" the messenger repeated. "Our center is about to break, sirs!"

It took a few seconds for the Pirate Captain's brain to get caught up, but it succeeded soon enough. "Don't just stand there, then! Throw in the reserves! We'll be along in a few minutes."

"But what about this place?" the Pirate With A Scarf asked. The fighting at the eastern post had been raging for nearly two hours.

"I think it'll be fine," The Pirate Captain answered. He turned to the annoyed Frenchman he was holding at swordpoint. "Sorry to cut this short," he said pleasantly before dropping him with a kick to the shins. "Come on, Number Two! A good jog never hurt anybody!"

The messenger dismounted. "Take my horse, sir!"

"Why, thank you."

"Captain," the Pirate With A Scarf said, "you don't know how to ride."

"How hard could it be?"

* * *

 

**La Haye Sainte, 1:15 PM**

"Make it stop! _MAKE IT STOP!"_

It was quite a sight, really. A horse trotting across the battlefield with the Pirate Captain's left foot in the right stirrup and the rest of him being dragged on the ground while the Pirate With A Scarf pursued them, practically wheezing with exhaustion. The animal had finally slowed enough for him to reach the captain and free him.

"Good work," the Pirate Captain said after a minute or so of spitting out dirt and grass. "I suppose I owe you a favor - "

"Please never do _that,_ or anything resembling _that,_ ever again."

"How was I supposed to know that you don't make it turn by pulling its ears?"

"Just...just forget it."

* * *

 

**1:30 PM**

"Cut their throats!"

"Run 'em through!"

"Shoot 'em full of holes!"

In the midst of the fight were the Pirate With Gout and the Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens, yelling at each other in their best bellowing voices and knocking aside enemy soldiers with their wild gesticulations.

"I say," declared the Pirate With Gout, "we eviscerate them with the dullest wooden spoon we can find!"

The Pirate Who Liked Sunsets And Kittens gasped. "Why, that would be most horrible!"

"More importantly, it would just be messy."

They froze as they realized the Pirate Captain was staring at them. "What's this all about, lads?"

"We were discussin' how best to attack the French, sir."

The Pirate Captain looked from them to the pile of men at their feet, then back to them. "Carry on, then."

* * *

 

**3:00 PM**

The Albino Pirate was going to have nightmares about this for a long time. He and Polly had been wondering around the field when they had heard someone shout "Advance to the ridge!" The next thing he knew, he was running for his life with a line of galloping horses in hot pursuit.

 _Polly!_ "Polly, where are you?" he yelled fearfully.

Polly was behind him, trying to catch up and squawking for her friend's help. One of the horses had stopped next to the dodo, and the soldier who rode it had a lance pointed down at her.

All concern for himself was forgotten. _"Get away from Polly!"_ the Albino Pirate shrieked as he darted to her rescue with a burst of speed. He barreled head-first into the horse's side and managed to knock it over, pinning the soldier beneath it.

"Are you alright, Polly?" he asked, returning to his normal demeanor as he picked up the dodo.

She didn't calm down, just continue to squawk in fear and stare at something behind the young pirate. It was the horse, which had staggered to its feet and was giving them both a death glare.

And so it was that the chase which the two had been in moments before resumed itself.

* * *

 

**5:00 PM**

"I'm saying it again, I _really_ wouldn't fight me if I were you. I've got a weapon and everything."

The soldier menacing Charles looked at the branch he was carrying, then poked his victim's chest with his bayonet. "What good is a mere stick against _this?"_

"It's actually called a quarterstaff - "

He winced as the bayonet poked him again, a little bit harder. "Fine. We'll do this the normal way, then."

Many swift jabs and whacks later, Charles was walking away from the conflict without a scratch. "Sorry!" he called back to his opponent, who lay on the ground staring at him in terror.

"Who _are_ you?" the man finally managed to shout.

"It's a long story."

* * *

 

**6:00 PM**

When the pirates regrouped that evening, they immediately noticed something (or the lack thereof) which troubled them greatly.

"Are you all _sure_ you haven't seen him?" Charles asked.

"Not since this afternoon," he was told.

They were all thinking the same thing, but none of them wanted to say it -

"Take _that!"_

Several gunshots rang through the air, followed by the sight of six terrified Frenchmen running past the group. Behind them was the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, a pistol in each hand and a face red with fury. "That'll teach ya!" he was yelling, his voice reaching an unnaturally high pitch.

On one hand, the others were glad to see he was still alive. On the other hand, they had never seen him quite like this before. "What happened?"

"They said I fought like a woman. They were askin' fer it."

* * *

 

**7:00 PM**

"Monsieur, I require some troops - "

Napoleon exploded. _"Some troops?"_ he screeched. "Where do you expect me to _get_ them from? Do you expect me to _make_ some?"

Instead of running off as he had hoped, his cavalry commander still looked at him expectantly.

"Fine," he said at last. "Take the Imperial Guard."

As he watched the soldiers march off, the general began to pace in a circle muttering to himself. The Prussians were on the move, he had heard. They had recaptured Plancenoit, and La Haye Sainte was still holding out. _Why,_ he thought to himself. _**Why?**_

A flash of red got his attention, and he stopped in his tracks.

It was that blasted pirate, prancing about with a cutlass like he owned the battlefield. What was _he_ doing here?

_No matter. He won't be here long._

The Pirate Captain shouted as something grabbed his leg. "What in the world...?"

_"Je vais vous tuer! Je vais vous tuer!"_

"Oh, it's just you. Mind facing me properly?" After a bit of struggling, he got Napoleon loose and dropped him on the ground. "Now," he continued as he knelt to be at his level, "there are two ways we can do this. The easy way involves you calling off this business, and the hard way involves - "

With an inhuman shriek of anger, Napoleon surged forward and tackled his prey. "You did this!" he yelled as he beat the captain's face with his miniscule fists.

The captain threw him off and took several steps back, jumping over Napoleon as he attacked again. "We wouldn't be here if _you_ weren't so crazy!"

"Crazy? _Non!_ I am many things, but not crazy! Now stand still so that I may cut off your face!"

"With what?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted it.

Grinning, Napoleon pulled a knife from his coat. "With _this!"_ he cried, brandishing it menacingly.

"...Of course. Excuse me a moment." Whirling around, he bolted back towards the ridge, screaming all the way.

When he had put enough space between him and Napoleon to last a few minutes, he slowed his pace to a brisk walk. Slipping through the melee, he soon reached the spot at the foot of the ridge where he had carved a large **X** into the ground. "Number Two!" he called. "Number Two, I've found him! He's following me!"

The Pirate With A Scarf, who had been waiting here for a while, pushed his way through the crowd and was at the captain's side. "Giving you trouble, sir?"

"Beyond belief. Never mind that, how's the fort holding up?"

"They'll be giving the order to retreat any moment now."

"Perfect! Are the lads ready? Do you have the barrel?"

"Yes and yes." He turned to leave, but stopped. "You do realize that if this doesn't work - "

"Number Two, I know perfectly well that every other plan I make is a terrible one."

"And...this isn't one of them?"

"No, it is. But when you get right down to it, they always seem to end up working just as well."

A cacophony of alarm-sounding horns rose above the noise of the fight, followed by a cry of "La Haye Sainte has fallen! _Retreat!"_

 _This,_ the Pirate Captain thought as he dodged fleeing soldiers, _is almost certainly going to be a contender for Best Anecdote Not About A Squid._

"That's our cue." The Pirate With A Scarf hurried away, just in time for the captain to hear Napoleon's nasally cackle behind him. This time, the little fiend was received with a pleasant smile. "Ah, hello. Still got an interest in my - _OW!"_

Dispensing with the pleasantries, Napoleon had immediately marched up to the captain's leg and sunk his teeth into it.

"Now that's just not fair!" The Pirate Captain tried to shake him off again, but lost his footing and fell flat on his back. Before he could get up, Napoleon was sitting on his chest, knife in hand. "I was not made ze Emperor of France for nothing!" he crowed.

"You don't say. I just figured they'd done such a good job of bumping off the royal family that there wasn't anyone else left."

Napoleon tapped the captain between his eyes with the knife. "To mock me at zis time would be most unwise, _paysan."_

"Yes, yes, cutting off my face and all that."

"All in good time. But first, something more severe." He slowly moved the knife down the captain's face until it was hovering over the roots of his beard.

The Pirate Captain blanched as it began to delicately saw through the hair. "You can have one of my ears if you'd like. Or an eye! I've often wondered what it would be like to have an eyepatch! Not the beard, _not the beard...!"_

_"Retraite! Retraite!"_

Napoleon looked up in surprise. "What is ze meaning of this?"

"Oh, just another trick of ours."

For the first time in its existence, the Imperial Guard was running away. The Coalition was right on their heels, with the Pirate King's ship leading the charge.

The Pirate Captain grinned. "Didn't plan for that, did you?" In a flash, he had shoved Napoleon off of him, jumped to his feet and picked up the little man by his coat. "Ready, Number Two?"

The Pirate With A Scarf was coming down the ridge with a large barrel, a hammer and some nails in hand. "I've _been_ ready, sir."

"You shall pay for zis!" Napoleon raged, squirming madly. "I shall hang you by your noses and rip out your - "

He was cut off as the Pirate Captain unceremoniously dropped him into the barrel, which the Pirate With A Scarf quickly covered and nailed shut.

"Sir! Sir!" It was the young scout, his face flushed with running. "The Prussians are here, sir!" he joyfully announced to the captain. "They're going to chase the French all the way back to Paris! We've won, sir!"

"Yes, yes, but _is my beard alright?"_

"It looks fine, sir." With a nod of reverence, the scout ran on to spread his good news.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the Pirate Captain sat down on the barrel and straightened his hat. "All's well that ends well, then."

* * *

 

**La Belle Alliance, 9:00 PM**

"See what I mean about terrible plans, Number Two?"

"Not that it gives you permission to make all of them terrible."

The victory celebration was already in full swing; grog was disappearing down throats, songs and poems were being written and the barrel containing Napoleon was being used for an overly enthusiastic game of kickball. The Prussian cavalry was going after the remaining French, and the rest of the Coalition was assured that the road to Paris would soon be open.

The Pirate Captain chuckled to himself. "They're not going to like _this_ back on Blood Island, I assure you. What with us doing something they couldn't and all."

Suddenly, the Pirate With A Scarf's eyes were trained on something behind the captain. "Sir..."

"It's true, though! I told you we'd show them!"

_"Captain..."_

"Serves them right, anyway - "

"Captain, _turn around."_

"What's the... _oh."_

Covered in muck, looking exhausted and showing off their finest death glares were the Pirate King and his followers.

"...I have a _phenomenal_ explanation for this, really _quite_ a thriller..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One! More! Chapter! More like an epilogue, really. But you get the idea.


	11. Loose Ends

Another day, another tally mark on the wall. Ten down, several thousand to go.

The Pirate Captain looked around at the confines of his cell and sighed. Today was the day.

Despite the crew's efforts to help him, he had been dragged back to Blood Island and tossed in prison on charges of insubordination, annoying the populace and making the Pirate King look bad. Upon arrival, he was told that the matter of a proper punishment would certainly be addressed, and swiftly at that. _At least they're being considerate,_ he had thought - most people who came to this place were simply forgotten and set aside to rot. He himself was currently sharing his quarters with two old skeletons.

His worries had been somewhat assuaged when a letter from the Pirate With A Scarf managed to reach him. The lads were all doing well, although the Pirate With Gout had been loudly proclaiming that they should storm the island to rescue him. And as for Napoleon? He had been hauled off to Saint Helena with twice as many guards as before and then some. Europe, for the time being, was safe.

All this, however, had been pushed to the back of the Pirate Captain's mind as he awaited news of his fate. Perhaps they would hang him, or tie him to an anchor and drop him in the ocean. They still had the guillotine up; maybe the Pirate King was fond of poetic justice...

_Clack, clack!_ Something was banging against the outer cell wall.

He looked up in astonishment. He was on the top floor; how on earth could someone reach him...?

On the heels of this first surprise came another - Mr. Bobo appeared on the other side of the window and smiled at him. _**READY?**_

"For what?"

After giving him a 'Seriously?' look, the monkey procured a small knife from his belt and quickly sawed through the bars. He then lowered himself out of sight, beckoning for the captain to follow him.

Poking his head out, the Pirate Captain found a waiting ladder propped against the wall. Standing on the ground at its foot were the rest of his crew.

The Pirate With A Scarf waved. "Come on, then!"

He didn't need to be told twice.

In a matter of minutes, they were all sneaking down the wharf, being careful to avoid the tavern. "So," the captain said to the Pirate With Gout, "I assume they went with your idea?"

"We compromised," the Pirate With A Scarf answered.

"I still think we should've gone after the lot of 'em..."

The Pirate Captain suddenly stopped. "Wait, how are we going to get out of here?"

"That's our reward!" the Albino Pirate chirped.

"Reward?"

The Pirate With A Scarf pointed up ahead. "They wanted to repay us, and we asked about the boat Napoleon came in on."

At the end of the wharf, dilapidated as ever, was the Pirate Ship.

"Lads, what _would_ I do without you?"

* * *

 

Black Bellamy had stepped out of the tavern and was ambling down the wharf when something caught his eye. He had to pinch himself a few times, but no, it was real. The Pirate Captain's ship was sailing off into the sunset, and the captain himself was in the crow's nest looking through his spyglass.

For a moment, he considered going back to the tavern and telling on him. There wouldn't be much to it...

_Ah, whatever._

Shrugging, he ignored the boat and continued his walk.

The crew, meanwhile, was paying no thought to what was behind them. Somewhere out there, a proper holiday was waiting for them.

* * *

 

**~The End~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Piratesverse story done! Shame I'll have to leave it behind for a while. And by "leave it behind," I mean "read the original Pirates book as research for the next story." What horrors am I planning? Let's just say that the next few installments of this series will be firsts for me, and possibly for this fandom. Heh, heh...see ya later!


End file.
